Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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