Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
