And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
