I wish I could punch you in the face.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
