even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
