I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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