Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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