So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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