she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
