I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted