turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.