I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
