I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
