my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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