You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
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my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?