Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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