did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I need to stop coming to work sober
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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