Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
