i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
