there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
