my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
