shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
