people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I am naked and annoyed.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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