dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
