So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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