WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
