i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
