I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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