When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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