Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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