Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
