I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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