I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
