Just fell off a train. Bad.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
