It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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