So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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