I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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