I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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