Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
