fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
