I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
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Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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