so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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