Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
