it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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