ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
