She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
