It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize