Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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