Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
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I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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