omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just google imaged poop.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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