EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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