I'm really into asian looking animals
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
