Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
