walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
