I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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