I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
