so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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