in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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