we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Send help, water and tortillas.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
