So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
