Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Randomize
