I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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